Budget Bitches
If you think that budget airlines have no frills and no thrills, you are so wrong.
We have, on one hand, stewardesses in frilly skirts, handing out extras preferentially to caucasians while giving us asians the cold shoulder.
On the other hand, we have passengers, dying to make the flight a tad more exciting with their antics.
Mix them into the bubbling pot, and shout out the incantation, "double, double toil and trouble!". POOOF! We have a rabbit!! No. We have the worst budget air flight possible.
I shall not name to shame the budget airline involved but they were rewarded with the highest number of complaints in a recent investigation by the newspapers. Well, i suppose they are the most-complained for a reason.
The day was sad. Cos we were returning to Singapore after 3 wonderful days in Phuket. After arriving at the airport, triumphant that we managed to slash the ridiculously high tuk-tuk fare, we decided to grab some food before our flight. Realising that we were late, we decided to check in and board the flight. Unexpectedly, there was this silly 500 baht airport tax. You mean i had paid an extra 100 bucks for airport taxes on top of my plane ticket for nothing? The worst thing was that we were broke. Out of cash. No mooolah. I was envisioning some Amazing Race scenes where we had to beg for money. I was even preparing for it, till i realised the others were going to the money changer.
Well, out of the first ditch and down the second one we went. After we had boarded the plane, we realised that we were kinda late. No more sitting together. We had to be separated. I found myself sitted at the aisle beside 2 kids. Two typical 'i must read my book now' nerdy-looking Singaporean boys. That is till i heard their heavily accented english. Well, no harm was done anyway, so i decided to have a little shut-eye before touching down in Singapore. Sadly, peace was short-lived.
At that moment, cue the devils please, the budget bitches arrived. Three caucasian ladies, americans i presumed, sashayed in with the stewardess in tow. "I'm sorry mam, but i think thats the only few seats available." The stewardess pointed to a seat across the aisle i was at. The seat was in the middle. Between a middle-aged chinese male and an ang moh of similar age. The youngest caucasian (aka young devil) wrinkled her nose and wise-cracked, "I guess it's just not my day for winning the lottery." Turning to the stewardess, she asked, "Do i really have to sit between these bab... people?" I stared in shock. The chinese smiled. My jaw dropped further.
"Susan! SUUUU-SAAAAAN! Can you hear me from behind? Or are you too far away. Can you hear me on our walkie? Susan? Come in. Come in! Hellooooo?", she yelled as she turned to look for her friend. She had on this bluish stick, extending from behind her right ear to her mouth. "Susie. We have to be together. Come on."
A short while later, i found a bloated-face stewardess standing next to me, talking to the chinese man. After the conversation, the chinese disappeared. And guess who or more accurately, guess what took his place. The more elderly caucasian woman (mother devil) who was still looking fabulous at her age. She had on the blue-tinged stick hidden under her hat too. "Darling, i think her transmission device is a little warped. You probably have to shout a little louder, my dear." They muttered and pointed in my direction in another of their not so secret conversations. I overheard them saying, "Hhhhmmmm... i think we can get rid of that guy and get susie to sit with us." I shot them a 'f*** you' look. Dont you f***ing dare.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the flight is about to start. Can everyone please give your attention to the air stewardess who will be showing the in-flight safety demonstrations. Thank you."
As the stewardess demonstrated the various safety devices, the young devil, with her million years of experience languishing in budget air flights, began mimicking her actions. It was both funny and demeaning. She is probably rehearsing for her interview at some equally horrid budget airline, like banana, crocodile or dinosaur airline, i thought.
"Dear passengers. The flight is about to commence. Can you please switch off all transmission and electronic devices. Please note that handphones are only to be switched on when you are off the plane. Thank you and have a nice flight."
"Hey mom, i think we have to switch off now. Susie? SUUU-SIIIIEEE! We have to stop our transmission now!", the young devil yelled across. She took of her ear piece. A ear piece that looked conspicuously similar to the stick found in cocktails. Oh wait. They are the sticks found in cocktail drinks.
Her mom fiddled with the stick and a flash of brilliance came to her. You could see her face lighting up. I was blinded by her intelligence too. She called out, "Look darling! I'm playing golf!" And she proceeded to hit an imaginary golf ball on her thigh with the stick. I had to presume the ball was in a sand pit cos it was on her aged, wrinkled thigh for goodness sake. Her daughter, obviously amused by her mom's creativeness, followed her example and began swinging the tiny stick. "Fore! Watch out in front!", she shouted.
The plane started lifting off and my ears began to block out the unwanted noises. Feeling that for once i can finally rest, i shut my eyes in glee. Alas, i was burning in hell that day. Mother devil, gathering all her kindness, said, "Excuse me, look there." "Huh? What?", i replied. I looked around and saw the two boys absorbing their daily nutrients from their books. Was it the light she was irritated about? I turned to say something but was cut short. "The baggage compartment above you is open." I looked up and there it was, the door to the compartment was flung wide. I moved instinctively to shut it, but my seatbelt held me back. Then i heard zj telling me that it was dangerous. So i decided to wait it out. She looked and said, "Well, even if the bags are to fall, they will only fall on you. Hahaha.." Aaaarrggghh! I was sitting beside Satan.
We were finally in the air and i realised that it would be worse cos everyone's let loose. The seatbelts come off and everyone goes awandering. The devil ladies wasted no time at all. They began hollering for drinks and food. And also the eye candy that was behind. By eye candy, i mean the caucasian men situated at the back of the plane.
"Susan! Who's there behind with you? Isn't he cute? Whats your name?" The young devil flirted. The men sensing 4th base action swarm in for the kill. We had a loutish-looking spanish guy walking around, holding a chocolate bar in his hand. An english, with a cast on one leg, hopping about and jerking the seats as he passed. And all sorts of other characters. "Hey sweetie! Mind if we have a bite of your chocolate? I'm huuungry..", mother devil crooned, not wanting to loose out to her daughter. The tubby spaniard looked at the old fag and then to her daughter and came over. Eeeeeeewww.
Anyway, they did and said a lot of stupid things which irrittated and inconvenienced the rest. Like at one point, young devil went, "Hey! Mike! Who's your friend beside you?" "What??!! I cant hear you. You have to shout louder like ME." "Oh! Dan? Dan! Why is he sleeping?" "You know, i am a victim of your disappointment!" What the hell are u talking about?
Last but not least. At the end of the journey, the poor stewardesses had to look for additional places in a fully booked flight due to one of them vomitting at the back. The stewardesses had to ask passengers with small children to let them sit on their laps to free up seats.
And so the story ends here for the 3 devils. Till the day we meet again.
Bitches.
