The Carrie Moment

Life, unlike what most people believe, is a bed of roses. It is great. Beautiful, soft and sweetly-scented as you lie atop the red, pink and yellow roses, looking lovingly at the blue skies with the occasional white fluffy cloud rolling by. But as reality sink in as you mature and age, your weight drags you into the rose bed, pass the stems that support it, scratching and cutting you with its hell-bent thorns.

I have been naive for a very long while now. Even till today, i believe that i could and should treat others depending on how i feel and not how i think i should. However, recent events have led me to seriously re-think my position. The question is: In friendships, or any kind of relationships for the matter, is being frank a friend or a foe?

In my short 21 years, i have always embraced directness as my style of speech and action. It has indeed caused a lot of discomfort amongst my friends and may have even brought about a few bust ups (none too serious to look over). Recently, whilst sitting in zx's car after some window shopping, his phone rang and he asked me to help him answer the call. It was his sis. The first thing he said to me was, "Hey nick, don't be rude to her k." I went, "Huh? Why would i be? Am i ever rude?" My frankness was being seen as brashness and i was dismayed. I never ever thought that zx thought me to be rude.

Since young, i knew that you need to treat others the way you wanted them to treat you. And thus, i decided that the most important thing is to be truthful. No matter how much the truth may hurt me, it will be better than knowing the truth later and in so doing, also know that the person was lying to you. Frankness was therefore a characteristic i happily incorporated.

Years and numerous indifferent experiences later, i have come to a conclusion that the world is not ready for such openness. Strangers do not want to be told that they are in the wrong. People do not like hearing their work being criticised. Friends do not wish to know of any slights in character. I do not understand. Is it nicer to be lied to and led onto the wrong path? Is it better to be made a fool whilst others laugh at your mistake-riddled work? Is it happier if you continue with your ways and get ridiculed or hated by others?

I do understand how it feels when you are at the receiving end of directness. When i am told that im ugly, my heart sinks and it is painful. I will be saddened and have that urge to just go hide somewhere. But i have always believed in the chinese adage 良药苦口利治病，忠言逆耳利于行. Things which are beneficial are never nice to behold. I have learnt to take it in and try to change if i deem that i need to do so. However, if i think its a necessary evil that i have, for example my frankness, i will thank the person and tell him/her that i believe in it and if he/she wants to continue being friends, then he/she will have to get over it.

I also do understand that there's just a thin line separating frankness and bluntness. It is known as tact. I, for one, will readily admit that im absolutely devoid of tact. I do have sensitivity, but it does numb out when i am talking to people who are closer to me. I believe that friends should be told truthfully of whatever shortcomings they have. If not, they are no different from the ones who wait for your downfall. Think. Do you really want sugar-coated replies? If not for the fact that they are of little help to your queries, it will probably lead to diabetes too. (sigh, not funny when you are unhappy huh) Do you think true friends will tell jie kai that, "Hey, you are good-looking okay. And i think you speak terribly well. Continue with what you are doing cos you are definitely doing it well." Do you think close friends will tell wormy that, "You are not fat at all. Your size is just perfect. Im sure loads of girls will dig you." Do you think real friends of Paris will go, "Hey gal! Why the hell would others think you a whore? Im shocked. You are so demure and cute. What divaish behaviour? No, no, no. You are so not a slut."

I have always believed in calling a spade a spade, cos a rose by any other name will not smell as sweet or as foul. Learn to take criticisms cos it helps. Given nicely, it may not stay in mind, but flung at you, you will be forced to consider and take the necessary action. I know its not the best thing, but you will gradually tune out the pain. Is it better to hurt slowly, or get it out once and for all? I dont see ppl taking their time when extracting bullets embedded in them. I dont see ppl waiting to call for help when they are on fire. I dont see mothers-to-be telling their doctors to take their time cos labour is so much fun.

Down here, i do have to apologise to whomever i have offended with my manner of speech and style of action. You have absolutely no idea how sometimes i cant sleep at night, wishing and hoping that i can take away somethings that i have said, just because it was painful to the person, not because it was the truth. I wish that i could hold it back, but it does hurt me more when i see something and i do not tell.

I do understand that this post is truely ironic. The fact that im lamenting that people find me too frank and they being truthful to me about in the first place. Not that i dont accept the fact, its just that i think thats the way i want to be, so if you dont want a friend, or that you just want someone sweet-talking, go find someone else. It's not me for sure.

posted by nick_xian @ 6:08 AM